How to sink safely into Netflix-fueled denial

IT’S A BEAUTIFUL TIME TO BE ALIVE, FRIENDS!

As long as you turn off your CNN notifications, don’t go on any form of social media and acquire someone else’s Netflix password…  

It’s a wonderful, quirky world filled with quick-witted people with perfectly symmetrical faces whose biggest problems (and solutions) are neatly written into a script. 

You gotta love that kind of consistency. If you really want to drown out the miserable nails-scraping-a-chalkboard sound that is the world news at any given time, I suggest investing in a Costco set of Ghirardelli dark chocolate brownie mixes, coconut La Croix and plenty of puzzles. 

Once you’ve got a batch in the oven, your phone placed safely in the freezer and a cold one popped open, here’s what your queue should look like (warning: unless you’re thrifty before your phone goes into hibernation, you may need to create a fake email address for an HBO Go trial, which means going on a computer, which puts you at risk of falling into a black hole of internet hate, so tread carefully): 

Master of None — Season two just came out, so if you watched season one a million years ago, like myself, it’s time to watch it again and let the splendor of Arnie wash over you all over again. Aziz is a genius.

LOVE — If you like watching beautiful people be assholes in LA in an extremely awkward, pretty funny and weirdly addicting way, get on it. Season two for this one also recently popped out, so enjoy both seasons back-to-back like a real hermit.

Girls — See above description except in NYC instead of LA. You’ll need an HBO Go login, but I believe in you. Somewhere back there one of your exes texted it to you, you just have to trust in the scroll. Just know that the very last episode of the finale will make you say, “what in the actual fuq?”

New Girl — One of my top three favorite shows of all time. Season six just ended, and if you’ve never seen season one, then I am incredibly envious. But I’ll watch it with you for the fifth or sixth time anyway. 

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend — If you hate musicals, GTFO this blog. Kidding. But not really. This show is hilarious, and if you don’t agree then we can’t be friends. That is all.

Girlboss — This one started really strong for me. It takes place in San Francisco, it’s loosely based on the book based on the life of Sophia Amoruso and her BFF makes it worth watching. 

Gilmore Girls — I’m realizing now how many of my favorite TV shows have the word “girl” in the title. Please ignore this as I feel it may be some sort of internalized misogyny playing out in my very own Netflix queue. Kidding… kind of. Anyway, if you’re a weirdo like me, start with the newest season so you’ll be real nice and confused before starting from season one for the first time. I love watching people get younger while I waste away on my couch. 

Big Little Lies — IT’S SO GOOD. But read the book first. AND THEN APPRECIATE HOW GOOD. And save the soundtrack because daaaayum. 

Stranger Things — This one’s not great for the anxiety issue we’re trying to avoid, but at the same time it’s nostalgic and you can’t stop watching, so just do it.  

Once you’ve made your way through that there list, it’s time to hit up these fail-safe options:

The Office, FRIENDS, Parks & Rec (chubby Chris Pratt is the best Chris Pratt), 30 Rock and Modern Family.

Aaaand once you get through those, it’s time to hit the hard stuff… like Community, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Workaholics and, if need be, The O.C.

That’s it, friends. All you need to forget about our world falling apart: brownies, fruity soda water and endless television. Whatever allows you to actually get out of bed in the morning, amiright?