When I was in college, I completely forgot that it was this age that I was looking forward to as a child. I dreamt of joining a sorority and sporting my letters, I also dreamt of feeding bottles to my future babies and changing their diapers, but it was this in-between part that I forgot all about. In college I dreaded this time because I had no idea where my career was going. I stressed daily about my impending graduation date knowing that no one would steer me in the right direction once I was no longer coddled by college credit, class schedules and all-night study sessions. At that time I had no interest in IKEA (I had never stepped foot inside until August, in fact) and fancy cookware seemed like a total waste of resources when you could buy 15 dresses from Forever 21 for that same price.
Now I look at some of those dresses that still (for whatever reason) hang in my closet with their threads out and wonder how I ever could have snubbed the adorable floral paring knives and oh my god, that blender! I spent $8 on a tiny bottle of truffle mayo the other day, guys. I’m not saying this was reasonable, because let’s be real my budget could do without an hour of my first post-grad job wage spent on a condiment, but it was an interesting feeling getting so pumped about a silly little jar of perishable sandwich cream.
It feels good to be here. I spent the majority of my first year and a half in California feeling too in-between to ever feel at ease. I was constantly trying to make friends, find a steady job, feel fulfilled by said job and fight the loneliness that comes with moving away from everything you’ve ever known. I made friends, but most of them were at least a 2-hour commute away; I cuddled with my dog, but when I went to visit friends she was left alone; I found a boy but he was a 6-hour flight away and 6 months later we ended things; I found a job, but it didn’t make me happy and seven months later I got laid off. Things turned when I found a loving family in need of a nanny, but they knew eventually I would continue on this weird path with these ambiguous aspirations in the name of writing and being creative.
They were supportive and open. I had time to think, breathe, feel the panic of what my next move would be but also the comfort of knowing they wouldn’t let me fall flat on my face. It was a completely new and wonderful experience to watch this sweet and incredible infant grow, learn and own my heart. Once I moved closer to my friends and found roommates who helped grow my social circle as we all navigated this new city together, I realized that the reason that first year flew by was because I forgot to breathe. There were great adventures and so many new experiences, but I was tense. Sure, I’m still tense, my guard rarely goes down and I know it might just be a matter of time before I’m scrambling to figure out where my next chapter will start, but right now in this particular phase, I’m giving myself some slack.
I’m breathing deeply and I’m remembering that this is the part I couldn’t wait for.
Beautiful words, even more beautiful sentiment. So very proud of you!! We, of the anxious variety, tend to forget that we are capable and hard-working and resourceful. Falling on our faces now and then (on the rare event it happens) NEVER lasts forever because it's hard to breathe with your face smooshed against the floor, and floors are for dancing and we'll make it work, we just need a minute. I love where you are in life, and I love that you're working to appreciate it. That's a lesson I could surely use these days. Muchas gracias, amiga. 🙂
Ah, this post rings so true to my recent-college-grad heart. So far this entire period of my life has been characterized by me being like "what is the point!?" I'm so glad you're feeling good in a space with more room for you to figure stuff out. Ugh, I love your blog ♥
And just like we talked about this past summer while you were cuddled up at my house and we were nursing your hangover, or climbing mountains, or flushing betta fish or giving Ziggy rummy tubs. It's all about building the foundation. You have a home. You have friends. You're finding your way and breathing into your next chapter and doing it all your own way!! My love for you is crazy!
I love this. You're doing amazing things, girlfriend. One step at a time. It all comes together when you don't expect it to. Good for you for appreciating where you are in the NOW!