Things that are always better

Some things in this world are considered interchangeable when they’re absolutely not, and it’s simply unacceptable. One of them is always better. Always.

Coke Zero > Diet Coke

Okay, so I realize Diet Coke goes back to a time before Coke Zero was even a glint in Papa Cola’s eye, and I used to be a devout D.Coke fan, but that is a time long gone and happily forgotten. Coke Zero is all the things I love about Coke without the immediate self-hate and weird aftertaste that comes along with the real deal. Diet Coke is kind of like when you chew minty gum and then try to drink anything afterward (except OJ because brushing your teeth + OJ = THE WORST).

Just as an aside, I didn’t even include Pepsi in this particular comparison because it is assumed that everyone already knows Coke is always better than Pepsi. If you disagree, I probably don’t trust you because you’re a liar and a thief,

Red Candy Apples > Caramel Apples

When I ask for a candy apple, I’m not asking for an apple dipped in gooey crap and rolled around in nuts. No, I said ‘candy’ for a reason and that reason is that red candy apples are a delicious and traditional carnival treat and caramel apples are a different thing. Sure, caramel might be considered candy as well, but they have their own name and it’s “caramel apple,” so let the red ones have their own name and let that name be “candy apple.” Don’t assume I’m okay with a weird gooey substitute when I ask if your fried Oreo stand sells candy apples. I’m not.

Arizona Green Tea > All other canned teas

I’ve tried to fool myself into thinking other canned tea beverages will satisfy me because of the fancy 60s style graphics on the outside or empty promises of metabolism/energy boosting, and that’s what I get for judging a book by its cover. A subpar tea drinking experience. Arizona wins always.

And while we’re on the subject, why are only certain types of beverages canned? I tried canned water once and it was the worst decision I made before college. It didn’t feel right, in fact it felt all kinds of wrong. But tea? It’s not carbonated or soda-like in any way but I’m totally fine with drinking it out of aluminum. I don’t get it. 

Books > Movies

If you’re not a reader, you’re probably rolling your eyes and that’s fine, but as far as I’m concerned the book is always better than the movie. There is just so much back story you can’t and shouldn’t include in a film that I loving knowing while getting into a book. I definitely appreciate movies, but if it’s an adaptation there’s no way I’m going to like it better if I read the book first.

Friends > All other TV shows

I have a really hard time convincing myself to watch or read something again after I know what happens (with the exception of A Goofy Movie of course), so I often give up on shows easily or dismiss them forever once I’ve seen them, but Friends? Friends is a different story. I will watch any episode at any time no matter how many times I’ve seen it. Phoebe can serenade me with “Smelly Cat” 12 times in a row and I’ll still be happy.

Jelly Bellies > Jelly Beans

They’re not the same and if you try to say they are, I will fight you. Also, apparently the Jelly Belly factory is very close to where I live and the deformed beans called “flops” are super cheap. This excursion is definitely on my CA bucket list.

All other flavors > Licorice

Have you ever opened a bag of Jelly Bellies and had someone be like “OMG, give me the black ones! Licorice is my favorite!”? Because I’m pretty sure I would accidentally spit my chewed up watermelon/margarita/cotton candy beans right in the offenders face if I heard those words uttered in my presence. Licorice is the worst.

Hugs > Handshakes

When was the last time you heard someone judging/scrutinizing someone for their hug technique? Sure, if you’re a side hugger I might assume you’re a heartless wench, but aside from that it’s hard to give off anything but love and cuddliness when hugging. Handshakes, on the other hand, can feel like weird wiggly warm worms writhing in your hand (oh hey, alliteration!) and that’s no way to make a first impression. Just go for the hug. DO IT.

Dogs > Boyfriends

Okay, maybe this isn’t always true, but right now it feels like it. And dogs are definitely better than some boyfriends, at least mine is. Ziggy is the best cuddler around.

Whatever, this is getting weird. I’m going to stop now. As it turns out I’m only strongly opinionated when it comes to consuming delicious things and entertaining my brain with stories/dog cuddles.

What do you think is always better than the alternative?