One to Nothin'

Worst Songs in my iTunes Library

by 7 Comments

Remember back when people used to buy music? Well, if you downloaded Kazaa on a PC, snatching up Alanis Morissette, Good Charlotte and Usher to your heart’s content and then watched as it slowly slaughtered your electronics, then maybe you started buying music like I did (otherwise you probably just continued to download it illegally).

Well with the introduction of Rhapsody and then Spotify, that iTunes spending habit/tedious task of transferring my CD collection to the computer ceased to exist and while I’m forever grateful for these incredibly convenient inventions, this means my iPhone’s music library is perpetually stuck in a time period of extreme confusion. This wouldn’t be an issue if I was patient enough to figure out how to make Nike+ and Spotify work simultaneously or rich enough to buy speakers that charge my iPhone while it plays, but I’m none of these things and therefore every time I run or jam out while bleaching my mustache getting ready, it’s like I’m hopping into the DeLorean and gunning it back to a fun but stupid time.

These are the songs that shuffle onto my phone/iPod that make me want to rip my hair out but are then immediately forgotten about and therefore never deleted from the pool of shuffle-able songs. I’m adding them individually because my Spotify library does not need to be tainted with the likes of the following musical indiscretions.

There’s even something about their faces that just makes me want to punch them right in the ocular cavity. Best lyric of this song: “It took too long for you to call back, and normally I would forget that, except for the fact it was my birthday, my stupid birthday.” It was her stupid birthday, man. Call back faster or you’re potentially going to miss out on this gem.
This was the point where Avril went from wearing boy clothes and yelling eff-the-po-pos to wearing glittery pink plaid skirts and writing lyrics like, “She’s like so whatever, you could do so much better.” Now that she’s married to the dude from Nickelback, her lyrics are truly mind-blowing. (Have you seen this?)
I have no idea how this got into my library. I mean I guess I went through my “hardcore” phase, but no, no, no. Just no.
OK, I admit it, I will absolutely still sing along to this one, but it’s incredibly gross. Best lyric? “But I got this notion that the motion of your ocean means ‘Small Craft Advisory.'”
No, you cannot count me in, Colby. You and your bubbly toes can suck it.
Seriously, Enrique? You thought it was a good idea to play ping pong in the background of your song? And then, just in case we couldn’t identify the noise we were hearing, you went ahead and added ‘Ping Pong Song’ to the title in parenthesis. Brilliant, hombre. 
I never, I repeat never, paid for this song. It is one of my life’s great mysteries as to how it appeared in my library, but I’ve loathed it ever since its discovery. According to me, you’re an idiot. How is this a matter of deciding which dude to go with? “I need to feel appreciated, like I’m not hated,” no crap! The fact that you even felt the need to write a song like this makes me think you deserve that d-bag you’re singing about. I bet you do suck at telling jokes.
Confession: I actually like this song, but it’s pretty embarrassing that I ever spent money on something that Paris Hilton created. Whatever. It’s hot. “Those other guys all wanna take me for a ride, but when I walk they talk of suicide.” I mean, wouldn’t you rather die than lose a partner like Paris?
I have this entire album. It’s truly, truly terrible. I listened to these bratty assholes in high school, like, a lot, and I can only pray that I was never this whiney in real life. If so, I am so sorry mom and dad. “Yesterday was the worst day ever, and tomorrow won’t be better.” Vom dot com. Grow up, ya big babies.
Please forgive my poor judgement. What’s the worst song in your music library?

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Comments

  1. Kenzie Smith

    Ha ha YES to the Bloodhound Gang. I still have so many of their songs on my computer.
    Also, how can you hate on Bubbly ;D I can't help but sing along to that one. It starts in my toes, and perhaps I even let it tickle my nose.

  2. Teh Megan

    OMG. I found Nelly – Ride Wit Me in my iTunes the other day. I remember being a freshman in high school and all the kids that could drive would ride around blaring that song. And then there was a joke about letting girls sit on the trunk while the subs inside blared out the bass line. I didn't get it until several years later. /facepalm

  4. Danielle

    I have 7 out of 9 of these also in my iTunes library. The worst one I can think of off the top of my head is that Pussycat Dolls song from the Slumdog Millionaire soundtrack (the strangest association ever?) which always shows up as the first song in my library for reasons unbeknownst to me. I think I need to clean my iTunes out too!

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