A weird story.. plus Nick Miller

I’m signed up for this website where you get free samples of the most random shiz you’ve ever heard of and in order to receive said shiz, you must select four different items. One of them happened to be a beef jerky flavored chocolate bar and since I’m a sucker for weird things (even when they’re clearly made with milk and I can’t actually eat them without my innards exploding), I picked it. I actually typed in the right address for once, too, so I received it in the mail a few days later. I nibbled (I totes wrote ‘nippled’ at first) a corner off of it, realized it tasted exactly how sticking a piece of beef jerky and a Hershey’s kiss in your mouth at the same time would and immediately decided it was not worth the stomach destruction. 

Then, instead of throwing it away like a normal person, I stowed it away. Not even in the pantry or in my secret drawer designated for food (JK, I stopped hiding food in my room after high school–no, really, there might be Poptarts in my old room’s closet still..), instead I put it in my suitcase. You see, I was cleaning my room and finally got around to emptying out my luggage from my trip to Florida, so I says to myself, “Self, now you have an empty suitcase! Maybe you should put random crap you don’t know what to do with in there while you vacuum!” Then I vacuumed and of course left all the random crap in it, like the white sweater and pants that now have red and black splotches all over them because I suck at laundry, cold medicine, poop bags, a tripod and, of course, the jerky chocolate, because when your room is completely clean except for a random suitcase in the middle of the room, why go the extra mile to clean that up too? Who wants a completely clean room? Pshhh, not this guy.

After venturing into the suitcase for whatever item I happened to need at the moment, I realized that Ziggy the sausage dog hid her bone amongst the randomness. This didn’t concern me as I’m accustomed to finding bones in my pillow cases, blankets, under couch cushions, in my laundry and pretty much anywhere she can fit that beagle nose of hers. I didn’t even think about the fact that the only thing she likes more than carrots is beef jerky.

Cut to me finding the jerky chocolate wrapper–perfectly intact–on the floor with no trace of chocolate anywhere, a minor panic attack and frantic Google searches while the little bitch lounges on the bed just watching me freak out. I figured since she’s a chunky bunch of love, the little bar wouldn’t be enough to take her down, but I was sure I’d be cleaning up puke and vomit all night long, but there was nothing. She slept through the night, stepped on my head in the morning when she wanted to go out and didn’t even have weird poop (and I would know because I’m fortunate enough to get close and personal with each and every pile–especially fun when we’re running and there aren’t any trash cans for a few miles).

All day yesterday I kept expecting there to be some kind of fallout. Surely this dog, who I’ve spent thousands of dollars at the vet on when she swallowed a piece of a toy wrong on two different occasions, isn’t impervious to a known doggie carcinogen, especially one that would make my stomach explode! Let’s all knock on wood for this, but I think we both won. Not only did she get to eat a tasty (read: gross) snack and not get sick from it, but I no longer have jerky chocolate chillin’ in my suitcase. Now to find homes for the rest of the suitcase’s contents.