Douchey song lyrics that make me lol

“Girl, if you can do better than me,
Go, yeah, go but remember
Good love is hard to find,
Good love is hard to find.
You got lucky, babe,
when I found you.”

I love me some Tom Petty, but really, dude? It’s bad enough that I once heard you talk smack about Led Zeppelin in an interview, but this song pushes it over the edge. You basically just told your girl to watch what she says to you because SHE got lucky when you came into her life. Yes, Tom, good love is hard to find, which is why she’ll be passing right on by your bag o douche so she can continue searching for it.

“I broke it off thinking you’d be cryin’ 

Now I feel like shh looking at you flyin’ 

I want you back.”

Okay, this Cher Lloyd is kills me but, like, in the best way a douchey song can. Maybe it’s because of the straight up unabashed truth behind it: You break up with your sig-oth because you think you’re better off, he/she gets with someone else and is rocking it, so you want ’em back. Simple as that, except no one actually wants to admit what’s actually happening, except good ole douchey Cher. She sings the truth AND she grunts like a damn champion.

“I was tired of my lady, 

We’d been together too long

 Like a worn out recording of a favorite song.
So while she lay there sleepin’ I read the paper in bed
And in the personal columns, there was this letter I read..”

Oh, you thought this was a fun-loving party anthem about pina coladas and getting caught in the rain? No. Homeboy is reading a classified ad in the newspaper (or Plenty O Fish for you youngins who have never seen a newspaper in real life, lol, who am I?), trolling for a hot new piece of ass WHILE his woman is lying next to him in bed. Spoiler alert: He goes on the blind date and it’s his old lady there who has secretly loved pina coladas and getting caught in the rain this whole time. 
Side note: what kind of douche is anti-health food and yoga..?

“I got a girl in every city

from here to Peru

When I left you,

I signed my name on your left boob

now go get that tattooed,

I’ll be back soon.”

There were so many theme-appropriate lines in this song that it was hard to narrow it down to this one. There’s just something about telling one of the many girls from here to Peru to go get his name tattooed on her left boob (not her right one, because we all know the left one is bigger and we can’t taint a slightly smaller breasticle with Shwayze’s sacred name) that stuck out to me as extra douchey.

“The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap

We’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat.”

It’s Nickelback. Need I say more? Please don’t hit “play.”

“Ladies leave your man at home

The club is full of ballers and their pockets full grown

And all you fellas leave your girl with her friends

‘Cause it’s 11:30 and the club is jumpin, jumpin

Though he say he got a girl

Yeah it’s true you got a man

But the party ain’t gon’ stop

So let’s make it hot, hot.”

And you wonder why he didn’t want to put a ring on, Bey? Really? The douche logic is sound: You’re in a committed relationship, but there are men with money at the club AND it’s 11:30, so that makes infidelity totally acceptable. The party ain’t gon’ stop, after all. 

“You’re a pretty little flower

I’m a busy little bee

Honey, that’s all you need to see

I can take you for an hour

But then I’m gonna leave

Honey, I know you’ll wait for me.”

I want to punch him in his tiny little reject. Everything about this song screams douche. This one doesn’t even make me lol, to be honest. From the stupid play on bees pollinating flowers to the unoriginal use of the word, “honey.” Ugh, now I’m just angry. I’m offended for bees even.

“As soon as I love her it’s been too long

Talks of future with you caves me in

Swallow my sugar kiss and eat it alone

Hearts collide and smash any dreams of love.”

This is a douchey song done right. I love it. I don’t even care. Well written douchebag imagery trumps “I’m a busy little bee” so hard. 

“You should know

That I love you a lot

But I just can’t date

A dude with a vag.”

Oh, Ke$ha. Why do we discuss loving this dude who you then go on to say you only wanted one thing from (she’s talking about sex, you guys) and he got confused? Maybe he got confused because the chorus of your song says, “you should know that I love you a lot.” Stop snorting glitter, girl, and know that changing the spelling of grow a ‘pair’ to ‘pear’ doesn’t make it more clever. It just looks like you don’t know how to properly spell homophones. 

“Well my girl’s in the next room

Sometimes I wish she was you

I guess we never really moved on.”

What douchey songs make you lol?