One to Nothin'

Me + TV = Relationship Failure

by 9 Comments

I love me a good sitcom as much as the next guy (girl, I definitely mean girl) but I’ve been thinking about the types of recurring characters that appear in my favorite kinds of shows and I have a type. Look at the ghosts of my IRL relationships past and you couldn’t string them together if you tried, but when it comes to witty, scripted, romantic comedy television, I’ve got it down. And it ain’t pretty. Check it. 

New Girl
This show has three totally crushable main characters: Schmidt, Winston and Nick Miller. One’s a narcissistic d-bag with a big heart, a successful job and a hot bod. One’s a goofy ex basketball player who’s often in a relationship despite being awkward around girls and is really bad at pranks. And one’s a law school dropout who’s a bartender for a living, is grumpy all the time and is a total commitment-phobe. Can you guess which one I’ve got a big TV boner for? Hint: It’s not the successful one with a hot bod. That’s right, Nick Miller. Get over here, you goofy turtle-faced old man. I want to curl up next to you like a damn cat.

Hart of Dixie
I just got into this show, so I can’t pretend I’m all knowing about these men, but I do know they’re all pretty much beautiful and probably not a good indication of a little podunk town in Alabama. Zoe Hart, you are one lucky betch. But I do know that there’s Lavon Hayes, the ex football player mayor who’s ripped and loving, George Tucker, the all-American lawyer guy who was in the same relationship for 15 years and lastly Wade Kinsella who, you guessed it, is an unmotivated bartender who’s really, really ridiculously good looking, slutty and terrified of having real feelings. Yea, I got it bad for the sexy bartender.

Happy Endings
Happy Endings was recently cancelled which is extremely unfortunate because it was hilarious, but here’s the rundown of the three main dudes. Brad: The original token black dude from New Girl who works hard, has expensive taste, looks good and is crazy about his anally retentive wife. Dave is the metro, food truck owning free spirited guy who was left at the altar by his fiancee. And the one I’m most attracted to: Max, the homosexual, unemployed commitment-phobe who loves beer and food.

Friends
And lastly, what show compilation post would be complete without a Friends reference? We all know about the men on this show, but we’re doin’ it anyway. We’ve got Ross, the whiney serial monogamist who wears a lot of gel in his hair and is passionate about his career as an archaeologist. There’s Joey, who’s the good looking actor who’s dumb as a rock and often recounting his sexcapades. And there’s Chandler, the one who uses humor as a defense mechanism so he doesn’t have to deal with his emotions, has a job but no one can say what he actually does and until he finally gets with Monica is terrified of relationships. Yep, I’m all about the Chan Chan Man.
Now if you don’t mind, I will go ahead and blame every failed relationship I’ve ever had on these television shows because clearly it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the clever writers behind these TV shows. What lazy, no-good, super hot, emotionally unavailable characters have I forgotten? Lay it on me.

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  6. Sarah :: Plucky in Love

    I don't know if you forgot any sitcom dudes but Mr. Liam Hemsworth of The Hunger Games happens to newly single and ready to mingle and probably, after the whole Miles debacle, is a bit commitment phobic. Who wouldn't be? And you live in California now, so you're bound to bump into him at some point and .. all I'm saying is, there's a shot.

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