Fear

The moment when every single second from the past day, week, month, pries on your subconscious before allowing you to sleep has been filled with fear, anxiety and sadness lately.

I know I don’t usually post about serious/personal topics, but I feel the need to share something since I figure you guys probably have been through some similar stuff.

Perhaps I’ve been paying more attention, or perhaps I’m just growing up, but tragic happenings have thrown my brain into a semi-constant state of unrest lately. 

The photo above was taken at Payne’s Prairie, which is on the way of my commute from Ocala to Gainesville (a trip I often make since Austin lives there). A massive fire in this area left that road (441) as well as I-75 (the other route I often take) filled with incredibly thick smoke as well as early morning fog, causing a series of fatal car crashes resulting in at least 10 deaths and many, many injuries (read more here).

I am heartbroken for the victims and their families, and I’m shocked at how easily any one of those cars could have belonged to me or a loved one.

To be perfectly honest, ever since the loss of a good friend to an auto accident, the thought of driving anywhere has given me a never-before-experienced flash of panic that I immediately swallow and force myself not to give in to, and I worry that this seed will simply grow bigger with time, experience and more tragedy. These moments combined with the recent hospitalization of my Grandma and the losses those very close to me have experienced have left me feeling desperate and hopeless at times, but mostly scared.

I am terrified of losing the people I love. 

But that’s normal, right?

It’s the not-so-normal anxieties that I’m hoping to quell once and for all, like driving to the mall or failing another chemistry test or taking the GRE. I often ask myself what it is exactly that I’m scared of. Sometimes I have to remind myself that illness, failure, sadness, loss and even death are a part of life, the life we all want so badly to preserve, and the most I can do is make the most of it. Just don’t let me forget to live.