One to Nothin'

Things I learned this weekend

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imyourkatieque

1. Walking a mile and a half uphill is hard work and should be rewarded with hamburgers. Free ones.
2. I really like when people innocently vandalize statues.
3. Reading a book is the best way to tune out weirdos while utilizing public transit.
4. Finishing “Blood Bones & Butter” reinforced what I already knew: I never want to work in the food industry again.
5. I despise the phrase, “I’m off sugar,” especially when it comes from a dude with a beer in his hand.
6. Taking mirror selfies, making summer to-do lists and working out on your floor is one way to spend your Saturday night.
7. I give zero effs about the Kentucky Derby. Not a single one.
8. The sausage dog cannot prance into a body of water without peeing immediately.
9. Wine tasting makes me feel fancy.
10. Chocolate shot glasses make me feel dancey.

What did you learn this weekend?
Linking up with Katie

Bikini Series

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It’s time, you guys. It’s time for me to commit to a healthier lifestyle (again). To get started, I’m doing the 2014 Tone It Up Bikini Series and I even created an Instagram account for it so I won’t annoy my regular followers with boring food and sweaty selfies. If you’re into that sort of thing, feel free to follow me @TIUmackensie. Paleo porn will run rampant and you might even receive some complimentary tickets to the gun show. Any of you ladies doing the Bikini Series this year? Check out my past TIU and fitness endeavors by clicking here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go workout and not eat delicious carby goodness. Happy Friday!

Excuses for not running

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As mentioned yesterday, I’ve been pretty terrible at running lately. Before that two-runs-in-one-week in Florida fluke, I was only doing online work out videos without much jogging. I have definitely noticed improvements in my muscle tone as a result, but running has always been my jam and I honestly think it has a meditative effect that I’ve been missing out on. At least that’s what I’m blaming my crazy on anyway. So after seeing a couple similar confessions yesterday, I made a couple bloggie friends promise to hold me accountable for a run that night. I knew it was going to be difficult seeing as it was about 90 degrees here yesterday, but I confidently texted/emailed/snapped “No excuses!” and upon arriving at my apartment I realized just how inaccurate that statement was. I had excuses. A lot of them. 
Here are some of the thoughts that went through my head yesterday before finally sucking it up and going outside for a 3-miler.
“I should eat before. You know, for fuel.”
“Sooo full. Definitely need to let this digestion business work its magic lest I vom!”
“I am so tired. Can you get jetlagged from an hour plane ride south?” 
“My nose is so stuffy. Maybe I’m sick. You can’t run when you’re sick, right? It’ll just make it worse.” 
“It’s hot as balls in my apartment right now. Oh em gee, just imagine how hot it is outside.”
“Better check my phone to confirm. It really is 90 degrees out there. Better Snapchat people about it.”
“Shouldn’t I be lying by the pool right now? Nah, I bet there are 546 screaming babies out there.”
“I think my food has finally settled.”
“Maybe I should eat again..”
“This bed is super comfortable right now. What if it’s not as comfortable when I get back?”
“There are so many blogs I haven’t read yet today!”
“Ugh, I’m going to have to shower after this..”
“Better check Instagram.”
“My phone isn’t even fully charged. I definitely have to plug it in before I run.”
“Was there a new episode of ‘New Girl’ this week?”
“I can’t find my spare key. Pulling the main one off my keychain sounds like a lot of work.”
“I need new running shoes.”
“What if I trip on the sidewalk again? I can’t afford hospital bills right now.”
“Ew these running shorts are squeezing my love handles. I should put my sweats back on.” 
“FINE, I’ll go. But I’ll hate it.”
…Then I actually go running and a whole new set of thoughts run through my mind (see them here). Once I finally finish I think to myself, “I feel SO much better. Why don’t I do this every day?!”

Confessions

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This is what laughing at your own stupidity looks like.

In LA I got snippy with a cab driver after drinking too much whiskey and called him “bro” in the least flattering connotation because he thought my drunk texting was me lighting up a cigarette.
Every time I play the game Never Have I Ever, “I’ve never smoked a cigarette” is my go-to move. Gets ’em every time. (I really haven’t, nor will I ever).
Instagram is like social media crack to me. I should maybe wean myself off, but WHAT IF I MISS A BEAUTIFUL PHOTO OF ICE CREAM OR A STARBUCKS CUP? It’s too much. I just can’t even.
Despite my strong compulsion to have my photo taken in front of all the things, I hate asking randoms to take one for me. Stranger anxiety FTW.
I’ve been playing around with the idea of writing a novel for quite a while now but I haven’t written a single word of it. Pretty sure by the time I actually write it, it will be much like Nick Miller’s zombie novel with a no-word word search in the middle of it. Who wants to pre-order a copy?
Every time I work out, I feel so accomplished that I convince myself that it’s okay to not do it again for a week (or two). I’m still feeling a little smug about the fact that I went running twice while visiting Florida. That was two weeks ago. I haven’t gone running since.
I essentially stopped plucking my eyebrows all together. I did this to make up for the fact that I pull them out with my fingers when I’m bored/stressed/especially greasy. I think the thicker brows are contributing to my chronic baby face.
I can’t remember the last time my sausage pup had a bath. I keep thinking about how I should do that but then I don’t.
That last statement also applies to my car, inside and out.
I have two unpacked suitcases in the middle of my floor and the thought of unpacking them is just far too overwhelming.
While attempting to board my flight home on Monday, I completely tripped over some dude’s carry-on. It was not graceful. Then I almost did it again on someone else’s rolly number and laughed uncontrollably by myself for about five minutes.
Linking up here.

Weekend in LA

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My best frand and I went to LA for the weekend. We stayed in a hostel, cruised down Hollywood Boulevard and obviously stopped at the star that mattered, ate famous chicken and waffles at Roscoe’s, rode the ferris wheel and froze our asses off at the Santa Monica pier, ate more waffles, admired the Hollywood sign from Griffith Park and played under the Urban Lights exhibit in front of the LA County Museum of Art. It was pretty magical, but my bank account and the way my pants are currently fitting are both pretty terrifying. I need to stay still for a while. Remind me of this if I start planning another trip any time soon. How was your weekend?

LA Calling, Bathed in Sunlight

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I sort of stuck some explosives into my heart and let the gruesome bloody remnants scatter all over a blog post draft yesterday, but I just can’t quite muster up the courage to hit ‘publish.’ I woke up panicking thinking I had accidentally scheduled it already and I think that’s when you know you’re not ready. So instead, I’m keeping it light with these pretty roses and the hope that the sun will be out for at least a small part of my weekend in LA. Let me know if there are any restaurants, attractions or otherwise awesome things I can’t miss in the City of Angels. Happy Friday!

Vegan Pizza Heaven

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Remember that pizza I wanted to do weird things to? It came from Satchel’s, the best (and hippest) pizza joint in Gainesville. If you ever find yourself driving around the Swamp, you’re sure to see a member or twelve of the unwashed masses repping an “AtchelSay IzzaPay” bumper sticker right next to the “Coexist” one and the Prius symbol. Fun fact: my lady friends and I made “AtchelSay IzzaPay” our code word for “this dude’s a creeper, let’s leave this party without discussing it out loud” in college. It was effective and crazy fun to say. 
Anyway, you should know the main thing that attracts me to a pizza place is its selection of vegan pizza (because of the lactose intolerance, not because I’m vegan–just to be clear) and this place actually has options–plural! Instead of just pulling the cheese off of the pie, they offer two cheese substitutes, one tapioca based and the other soy based. They also offer a gluten free crust if that’s what you’re into, but I went for the crust of the fluffy, gluten-filled variety. It was amaze-balls. 
Some other awesome things about this place: they make their own soda in house, they’re cash only so that every time you use the ATM it donates the fee to charity, there’s a VW bus in the outside dining area that you can sit inside of for your meal, the servers take your orders on iPhones and when you walk behind the restaurant, you find Lightnin’ Salvage Enterprises–a junk museum/store/venue/all-around awesome place to play with your new camera.
If you’re ever in Gainesville, be sure to stop by when you have some time to sit back and relax. The pizza takes a while, but the house salad is amaaahzing and they serve wine/beer, so go get you some.

My Confessions

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When I got home from work on Monday, I went to sleep immediately and woke up around 10pm, had canned asparagus for dinner (because I chose sleep over grocery shopping) and went back to sleep at 11.

I still drank coffee Tuesday morning. And went to bed before 10pm.

My pee still smells weird.

I think one of my fillings is falling out. It started with shooting pains upon contact with anything cold over a year ago and instead of fixing it, I’ve become really good at only chewing cold stuff on the right side. I’m a problem solver!

My succulent’s leaves all fell off. How is that even possible? They are the lowest maintenance plants there are and I still managed to kill mine or at least make it sickly.

I paid money to eat Jack-in-the-Box AND McDonald’s already this week. Remember the whole “I’m going to eat paleo all of April so I can look hot in LA!” thing? Yea, me too. I leave Friday. Hashtag fail.

I downloaded a meditation app and used it. Combining meditation with technology makes me feel gross, but I kind of loved it. Om, y’all.

I’ve listened to Pharrell’s new album approximately 5,435,678 times.

That’s all I’ve got for now. What are your confessions?

Linking up here.

How To Catch A Boyfriend

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Today I have one of my favorite people on the internet here to shed some light on a subject I know nothing about: how to catch a boyfriend. Check out Making Melissa so you can become as obsessed as I am.

Hello One to Nothin’ readers. I’m Melissa, Mackensie’s (self-proclaimed) favorite Canadian and permanent rider of the struggle bus. As in I suck at dating. Hard. So hard it’s not even the good kind. 

But for some reason, I still try and scoop myself up a boy. Those sneaky little things. I want to share with you today a tried and true method to snatching one of these guys up for yourself.

How To Catch a Boyfriend

Step 1: Bake something really fragrant and wave it around. Slowly but surely, they’ll come out of hiding: the bushes, behind cars, etc. I find chocolate chip cookies with extra chunks or brownies do the trick. Don’t make any sudden movements, they can be fairly skittish. Just smile and slowly start walking backwards into your house. He’ll probably follow.

Step 2: Have a football game playing (this trick obviously only works on Monday, Thursday, Saturday,Sunday). Now that we’re into Hockey playoffs, that will work too. Just nothing stupid like darts ladies. (But for real did you know they show that on TSN? How is that a sport? Ugh). Bonus points if you have some honey garlic or hot wings sitting on the table. Boys love wings and sports. Still don’t say anything. Let him get settled.
Step 3: During a commercial break, walk by slowly in your yoga pants. Boys love yoga pants. Maybe even wiggle just a little bit.

Step 4: You’ve just nailed almost everything. Food, Football (sports), Fanny.  Now, yell something at the TV that is relevant to the game. Show him you’re on his level. Once this happens, you’ve almost got him.
(proof)
Step 5: Lock the doors. Windows too, probably. You don’t want him to have an escape route. He won’t notice what you’re doing because he’ll be so full of wings, mesmerized by your fanny and distracted by the game.
Step 6: Pass him a jar and say you can’t open it. Then tell him how big his biceps are. What a strong man. 
Step 7: While his ego is being stroked, hand him a beer for a job well done. A pat on the head never hurts either. 

Ladies, he’s yours. As long as you keep him and his ego fed he’ll never leave you. This has about a 95% success rate. You’re welcome. 

Easter and stuff

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My brain is broken due to severe lack of sleep and massive sugar consumption, so I just thought I’d dump some photos on here and call it a day. Like my new specs? I have lots of romantic things to say about that vegan pizza up there, but the thought of forming coherent sentences sounds far too daunting right now–particularly because by the time I got to my car around 11:30pm last night, it was beyond dead. The auto locks wouldn’t even work. Triple A showed up around 1:30am and I went to bed around 2:30. I will say the Easter Bunny was legit this year, I loved seeing my family in Florida for the past week and I’m stoked to be back on the west coast typing on my own beloved laptop. I’m going to go hook up my coffee IV and anxiously await the moment when I get to go pick up my sausage dog. I hope your Easter was filled with obese bunnies and edible grass.
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